Literature of My Life

For the past eighteen years of my life, I have been drowned, hailed-up, being put into the heaviest jurisdiction, being frightened, being put to shame, and every emotion an ordinary person could have in his life.

            My life has been a bliss for my family, my relatives, my friends, my acquaintances and all those people who may know me, for I am endowed with God- given talent and intelligence as they say. However, I can’t face and tell them that every mighty graces God have been given is the mighty insecurity I felt for them. I am thankful yes, and that is true. But, in the course of my life where I struggled and felt happiness I felt along the journey that I am very much different with others. I am struggling to be a person they want me to be and I am struggling as a person of how I am really be. It’s a killing choice as I could describe it. They say that I am a gay, a person who has a identity crisis, a person with no sex at all. Good Heavens! They even say that I am not a creature of God! It is a ridiculous conclusion. I am born with high regards to our Lord yet, in the sharp retaliation of their tongues I dare not question God why he had made me such. I would admit that I am gay, bayot, bakla, homosexual, bisexual or any other term they would like to address me. But I am not as dirty as others may be. And now, in this short literature of myself, the first very time that I was not ashamed to be called as such. The first time that I never reacted so furiously for I admit I am who they called as such. This is the first time because when I lived my life up in the earlier part of my development I was teased sometimes and I just heaved a sigh and let them be, and I’ll be angry on myself why I acted like those bisexuals and I would cry without the knowledge of my parents, obviously I just kept it on my own placing and piling it up to my mountainous burdens in life. But now, I feel lighter for I think I have unlocked the doors and let myself breathe a fresh air. This is a true manifestation about the saying, “The Truth Will Set You Free,” indeed it is true.

            I wonder how I would start telling my sob-type, filled with joyous crusting of journey in life. Maybe it would be better to start with my parent’s small tale of romance.

            Once upon a time there were one young lady who have been staying with her cousin in Mawab, Compostela Valley. She came originally at Malabuyoc, Cebu where she grew with her grandmother as her guardian. Then after some meditation, she went off to a small town in Mawab where she met Julio Jancinal who at that time was finding a girl to marry. Then, they became lovers and had been  married for more than 30 years now. They were graced with 4 children, the eldest one is Arnel, who has now settled with his wife and his 3 children in the same town, my elder sisiter who is a public school teacher and is now married with 1 daughter, and my another sister is now happy with her husband and her children. I, myself left with some studies to finish to, since I am obliged to take care with my parents when they will be getting older.

            As a young child, I’ve been in a time when I went home full of dirt and smelling like the sun, playing with those little kids who have been my playmates even to the day I knew the word “playmates”. I was born with no luxuries at all, well, who can complain? My father was a farmer tilling the farm with a little to earn and my mother was a dressmaker with no certain income to hold. In short, we are really struggling so hard to make our life comfortable with our own meaning of comfortable. For, 18 years, I’ve been witness to my mother’s cries and my father’s silent sighs, and as a child I pitied with them for they could not raise a family as they have dreamt they could be. Fortunately, God has been so gracious for all of us were being raised with full of integrity and respect, but as what they have said, in the family there will always be one who will be considered as “black sheep”, and luckily we have one. She is my elder sister before me (the 3^rd one whose name is Jubilyn), she is now having her own family and they were living in our home in Mawab together with my father. Well, my elder sister (2^nd one whose name is Josephine) envied her for she was a favorite child among of us, she was granted with things in which she desired and some of us when we asked we are not granted and there were so many question as to why such need of those things and many more. However, we my sister never complained and I admired her for being so silent and very discreet towards everything. Back to my sister, yes, she was being favored, she was sent in a private school and she had been given enough for her own, she grew up dominated the will of my parents and us, that is why my elder sister dislikes her when she went home drunk, when she go over to her classmates house to spend the night and to buy things which is just considered as caprices and many things. Fortunate that my elder sister never turn her back to her, she always find peace with her, no matter how cruel she may be sometimes. There were once a time when my elder sister vacated out in our house because of my other sister, I don't know the reason why she had decided to move out for according to her I was sounding so sleep at that time that I barely notice the shout, the screams made by my two sisters, it was the time when my sister Jub was just recently back from Manila where she spent her vacation, but we later found out that she was pregnant, she went home and we were so happy that she was okay, she conceived her child and eventually had bore her first baby. I named my cute little niece, and Ate Jub and her family resided with us. One thing that time that we wish is that her husband would make some move and find some job to feed his family for my father had been feeding them (until now). I myself would like to say that her husband was so irresponsible and so to her for she tolerates him. And so, Ate Jo, vacated and went to our cousin's home to rent, she brought me with her and I'm glad that I've been with her. My mother was in abroad at that time, when I was in Grade V she decided to leave her work in Mawab and to transfer to another country with the same work which is in Saudi Arabia. From that on, we were not guided with a mother who used to guide us when she was still in our hometown. Then, we lived a life away from my father and my sister Jub, but it is much better than they will always fight each other and make my father shaken with nervousness. I was in 3rd year high school at that time, my both sisters were both in good terms at that time, Ate Jo, would still support my niece despite the fact that Ate Jub hurt her, my Ate Jo, was already a teacher and is teaching in a public school, she sustains my everyday allowance and my father for my tuition fee.

     I am very much thankful that Ate Jub now changed a lot, she is responsible as well as her husband and I am so happy for the great transition they has been. They are now dependent for they were able to stand with the circumstances and are able to trust in their own strengths to raise a family. 

     My family is my sole supporter with everything that I have been through, I know that they love me that much, for I could still remember my Ate Jub making my projects during my elementary days, and she will really want that my project will stand among of all, then for always she will prepare my things in school, always reprimanding me about my crumpled notebooks, to take care of things, to be neat and organized and to always make a neat impression that a person is seen inside from its outlooks. And I believed her until now, when she will always told me about cleaning my nails and my knees when it is full of dirt. She always has been a sister that admires my things so much and a sister that will always keep my unruly flaws ironed. A sister which will always be my guide and a sister that despite every person in the society discriminates me will always make a stand and believe that I am a person to be respected not being talked. My Ate Jo, is my sister who will be a sister that will surely be a mentor, a guide, a financial supporter, who will bring me always wherever she will go, my alleged sibling and everything. I could remember her as a sister that is always training me in oratory, in debate, in poem reciting contest, in journalism, in my dance and song competitions and my math and science quiz bee. She was all there, even in my talent shows as a kid, she was present and making me feel like she was a mother to me despite of my mother's absence. I could not forget when I bade her good bye in Davao International Airport, when we were heading for the National Investigatory Project, she was smiling and I know that she was sad for it is her first time to be without my competitions. A night before we went off to sleep, when she was helping me arranging all my things, she has been muttering about my absent-mindedness, that I should always be cautious with my money for it might be snatched up and I may be left behind Manila. Then she told me not to stubborn in our coach's instruction and always be guided by asking questions, and most  the most important was she told me not to waste money for some unnecessary things. Haay! My sister was my number 1 fan until I've got in High School in Assumption Academy of Mawab, a private school run by the Dominican Sisters of the Most Holy Rosary, where also she taught there in elementary for 3 years and when I was in 2nd year she moved into a public school. And lastly, my brother, our eldest sibling who has been a very silent type of person who meddles life in a silent manner. I would not say that he was not a brother to me or a good sibling to us for he as a son, performed his duty as a son, as my parents would describe my manong, "when he was still a child, we can't tell when he desired a toy or not, for when he will be in my company in the market, he will just stare at the toys and just walk pass through them, your manong, is a child with no whines at all, when we will ask him to fetch water, immediately, he'll fetch, even how busy he may be for doing some projects, he is an independent child with just a simple dream, a child which do not long for such toys sold in the markets but a child who makes his own toys with some small resources he could probably find around," my mother said. Until now, my manong lives in simplicity even if he has now something he could brag about, as always he is still silent and will just talk when being asked, when I will usually come at his shop (he has an electrical shop and internet cafe), he will just stare at me like I am just a common visitor in their house, and when I ask for some meager amount of money he'll just directly give it to me with out questions. He really is a self-disciplined man, a man with big hopes for his children.

      During my high school days, it was then another chapter of my life has evolved. I have met some new friends and some enemies to make me inspired everyday. During my high school I was known in school even to the kindergartens, known for being a leader in the school, an official, known for my cleverness, my prowess in handling the class when the teacher is out, my big voice, my dedication when it comes to school's stuff, my holy concentration during everyday's gospel (in our school, we pray the rosary and give 15 minutes to read and discern the message of the day, it is usually at 7:00 in the morning and it is so good hearing God's word like a gush forth and a morning dew), also I am known for being a BIG GUY in the school with a CLUMSY heart (how about a laugh, Haha!), I am known for I am close with all the teachers and I am close with the school principal, and lastly I am known for I have been so true with myself together with my friends. I really miss my friends who have been so talented, so wise and so illogical. I miss the way they address me as "DADUDZ", the times when they call upon my name when our classmates are unruly again, the times when I threaten them of not signing their clearance when they will be causing trouble again, and their persistence to hid their trouble-situations against me. It is really a memory that will be a lifetime glimpse of how I become now.

    College came and everything was storming me with new things, like: new people to meet, new teachers to learn from, new administration to follow, new environment, in short another new things to explore! I was hopeful to study in Davao for a four-year degree course but my hope fell and had broke into small pieces for I was told to enroll in St. Mary's College, with a course that is only my second choice, at first I was hesitant to accept it, but who am I to choose, where I one lucky one who will be going to a  private and a nice school. I accepted the course and had learnt to love it by now. First sem in school was a disaster, for I enrolled in BEED where naturally I really wanted BSED, but according to my sister that I still got one sem to transfer to BSED so, I just let myself continue it, and it was the time when I face failure itself, when I was not able to get 85 in my math. My heart was bleeding at that time and I just can't face reality at that time. However, I just presumed that it was God's providence and work that will somehow tell me, that above all the rewards and recognitions that I have garnered there lies a realm of failure that a man shall come to face not to be scorned down of discouragement but a challenge to stand up and fight again. Yes, I must admit that it was really hard to be in a room where light has been taken out, but I tried to grasp something that will eventually make me move. Honestly, I ease out the pain by making my grades as high as possible, for I said at myself that, that would be the last time that I fall down and that I will be stronger again. I took it as a challenge now, not only now, but for always as I grow up, like a scar that will remind me my frailness as a person.
     Life for me as of this moment is a like a food, for we need to chew its richness or its bitterness just to contain nutrients, the satisfaction is there at the time of chewing and enjoy it for when you churn it up, it will be digested and may produce you nutrients and may dump such wastes into feces.
  Ma'am Gi, I am so thankful for being one of the best and intelligent teachers I know. You are so kind and humble and frank, I like everything you taught us for it enriches us so much to live life MORALLY. I just hope and pray that you will be a light into the path of those who have been ridiculed and abandoned, just like Jesus. I have always believed you will be a nun someday, I hope that the path you have chosen may be your guide to fully accomplish your mission. We will miss you Ma'am Gi, and May God Bless You!